{Infertility...}

Infertility...such an awful word.

Before I dive in, it's been on my heart for quite some time to just put it all out there.

I mean, I have a blog...part of what I do is over-share my life.

I'm giving you an out. If you're not interested in this part of our lives it's totally fine!

Just click the 'x' and go along your merry way. 

Oh good...you kept reading...I knew I liked you.

Here we go...

Alex and I have been trying for almost a year to have a baby...and obviously...it isn't going well. 

It's been the hardest, saddest, most heart wrenching time in our lives.

At least so far in our lives. 

We have never felt more hopeless, angry, out of control, frustrated, or "alone" in my life. 

The silver lining of the pain, is having Wendel by my side. I have never been more proud to be his wife. He has been the rock and has {quite literally} held our little family of two together. 

It's been a year of ups and downs.

My body wants to be pregnant so badly, that it's making my body think it's pregnant.

So of course my body doesn't need to be pregnant...

Because my body already is pregnant, right? 

Nope...it's not...sorry to let you down body.

There have been months when I was sure I was pregnant...and others where I could just tell I wasn't. 

We've sat through so many conversations with friends sharing their good news. Some friends have told us in the most caring and thoughtful of ways. Some friends have inadvertently pulled the rug from underneath of us and punching us in the stomach in the worst of ways. Fun stuff, right? We're thrilled to pieces for everyone of them...truly! Babies are my favorite topic! It just doesn't get any easier to sit back and pretend we're all good. 

All I want is to have that moment where Alex comes home from work, and I'm holding a positive pregnancy test. All I want to do it to share pregnancy with my friends. All I want to do is tell our family, and share the joy and excitement with them. All I want is to hold my belly and know that something miraculous is happening. All I want is to lay in bed with Alex in silence, watching him touch my belly and talk to our little bit.

Okay let's be honest...

All I want is to eat lots of chocolate and not feel guilty...we needed a little humor, right?

All I really want is to be growing a miracle.

I truly felt that I would be celebrating this Mother's Day as a mom. Or at least a mom-to-be. If we had gotten pregnant when we wanted to, we'd be holding a sweet precious baby right now.

I actually remember driving home from the grocery store one evening, and telling Wendel, "a year from now, we could have a baby!" And then a few second later I said "or a year from now we could be in the midst of a super sad time of our lives." It's almost like I knew...I had a feeling. 

I'm embarrassed to say, I've also never felt so far away from God. Alex and I did everything "by the books" We are both Christians...always have been...always will be. We grew up in church. We saved ourselves for marriage {7 years might I add...Wendel is a saint}, we have saved our money to prepare for a baby, we own our home and have two empty rooms just waiting to baby-ify, we have prayed for this baby and have loved this baby...the baby that we just can't seem to make. 

My heart aches for Alex. My sweet, patient husband. He feels just as much pain as I do...and that's probably the hardest thing for me. I hate seeing him let down...blaming himself. 

I've honestly taken so many pregnancy tests, that I think I now have a fear of them. I'll probably be 10 weeks pregnant before I finally get the guts to take a test.

By the way...it's a really awkward thing to think about.

The fact that we pee on a stick, and watch it like a magic 8 ball...and then you're either excited, scared, sad, mad...a little bit of everything?

I feel confident that we will have a baby one day. I know God designed me to be a mom. I know there is a plan.

And we really can't wait to be on the other side of this...thinking "I wouldn't wish that time of our lives on our worst enemies"

We've taken some tests and have officially been sent to an infertility doctor.

I still feel too young to be going to an infertility doctor...but alas...here we go!

While we're willing to share snippets of our story, some things need to be left private...so just know that some things will be left unsaid.

So there it is. The thing I've been hinting at for a long long time. The lump in my throat.

Can't wait until I get to hit publish on that "We're Pregnant" post...but until then...we're hanging in there!

While we feel so much pain and frustration, we feel extremely at peace! We feel very confident that I will carry our baby. We know that His timing is beyond perfect, and that this pain is meant to tell a pretty amazing story!

It gives me chills to think about, but so many of you have already been praying for us. It just blows my mind that this baby is already so loved...and he/she hasn't even been conceived yet.

We want to say thank you to everyone who has been supportive, praying, and offering tidbits of information!

If you have stories to tell, or suggestions please please please e-mail me!!

lifeonthehomesteadblog@gmail.com

I'd love to be encouraged by your words of wisdom!

Thanks for reading and loving on us!

And Little Bit...we want you so bad...but we're willing to wait!